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Lyrics
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When I was 3 my ass was baptised
My mum she chastised (Me)
Cause when they dipped me in the water
I decided to pee
Blasphemy
Blasphemy
You think that’s bad?
You should talk to my Dad
You know the worst day that he ever had
Was when I was a little lad
At Chanukah!
Festival of lights
My family started to sing
I did a striptease in tights
My pre-pubescent little dance
Taking off my shirt and pants
For my grandma and my aunts
To the tune of Hebrew chants
This one time, I got communion,
A sacred union
a blessing from the lord
Or at least that’s what I thought
The priest took me into the back room
Then like a vacuum
He made me take his dick in my mouth
“Suck it, don’t chew!”
In and out it went
Until he thought someone had seen us
But it was a false alarm
So once again I sucked his penis
Bar Mitzvah time
It had cost a pretty dime
What do you know?
My custom suit wasn’t ready in time
I was anxious and uneasy
And I started feeling queasy
Then I shit my pants, yo
And had to go commando!
The only suit I fitted in
Was my uncle’s tattered thing
As I was reading the Haftara
And about to start to sing
I heard a rip
I heard a gasp
I felt cold air across my ass
I saw my trousers full of holes
Leaving me utterly exposed
In the middle of December,
I was hotter than an ember,
I was having a good time and
With my family playing jenga
After a little too much eggnog
I whipped out my hairy black cock
In the bathroom I relieved myself
In front of my new guide dog
I looked over to the window
Where I just happened to see
A Christmas card it got me hard
It was a picture of JC
I started rubbing more and more
Until I fell down to the floor,
That’s when I looked up to the heavens
And I saw that Roger Moore
Was licking out the Virgin Mary,
And though it was kind of scary
I came hard and I came fast
Then went to watch some Tom and Jerry
When I was a little baby,
And my babysitter raped me,
She left me with a special gift,
Chlamydia nothing could save me
So I had this fresh disease
And my parents weren’t best pleased
That they faced this tough decision
Should I have a circumcision?
On the morning of the bris
My Kvatterin gave me a kiss
She wished me luck
They made the cut
But I no longer had a dick
You see my babysitter’s gift
Had acted fast and acted swift
It shrivelled up my tiny balls
And left me with a stumpy prick.
So when the Mohel took out his scissors,
As my family blew kisses,
He yelled out “What should I do?!
This little kid looks like my Missus”
For forty days and forty nights
I had given up red meat
Until the night before Palm Sunday
When I sucked my mamma’s teet,
Easter, Easter, Bar Mitvah, Easter, Easter,
Adios Meester
Mohammed, Mohammed,
Don’t forget Mohammed
By Sam Baron and Raph von Blumenthal
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